This is my story.
Emphasis on the “my,” because there’s always two sides to a story.
One day during my freshman year of high school, I met this seemingly ordinary girl. She was hungry and I was the closest person nearby who had food, so she automatically approached me without hesitation. First impressions? She seemed very odd, but in a good way. You could tell this girl was extremely comfortable with who she was: she would cheerfully approach strangers, ask others if there was anything in her nose or teeth, proudly burp in public, etc. Through the years this girl became an acquaintance, who then became a friend, who then became a source of pure happiness. We went on to experience the rest of high school together through multiple classes, school events, proms, senior council, productions, graduation and so much more!
I unknowingly began to fall for this girl… HARD. I didn’t even see it coming. I had never intended to be infatuated by her nor did I ever see her as my type, but something in me told me that I’d be missing out big time if this girl wasn’t a part of my life. One day, all of those pent up feelings began to overflow, so I had to tell her how I felt before I exploded. Apparently she already knew, because I “got nervous and stuttered.” From then on, she never made my feelings for her a big deal. She continued to be my friend and I continued to be hers. After a while our friendship got to a point where it seemed like we were more than friends. We’d affectionately do things for each other like buy each other lunch and drop it off to one another, take care of one another when one got sick and just call each other randomly during breaks just for the heck of it. Though she denied of ever having feelings for me, I felt like her actions showed her true feelings towards me. She once told me that if we ever went out “we’d rule the world.” This led me to wonder why we were still just friends.
Apparently, there was another guy in the picture. I can’t say much about this other guy, because I barely know him. All I know is that he’s one lucky guy and that I envy him greatly. After high school this girl and I had a falling out and she chose him… This always bothered me. So much in fact, that it sent me into a deep depression. For the first time in my 18 years of life, my self-esteem took a gigantic blow. I tried to move on. I tried talking to other girls, but I’d constantly find flaws and bail out before anything ever got too serious. I couldn’t properly function in college, at work, with my family and even with my friends. I always questioned if I was ever good enough. I would walk around with this dark cloud above me. My only salvation during that time was books. I’d burn through novels in a night or two; I constantly needed to do something to occupy my mind before it wandered off into dark places.
Once in a while, this girl and I would see each other around. Although we’re extremely bitter about one another and would rather not deal with the sight of each other, we automatically change when the other is in need. We’d start to care and do things for one another and forget about our issues. Sometimes our actions would perfectly line up as well and complement one another like giving each other gifts. But once that brief moment of civility had passed, we’d go back to our bitter selves.
It’s been 3 years since high school and I still suffer from self-esteem issues. Whenever I get really close to being content with myself, it all comes crashing down when a vision of her appears; because in that moment, I remember all the tiny and big moments we shared and I cave into all of those feelings. I blame myself more than I blame her for all that has happened to us. If I had been more attentive, more supportive and more caring back then, maybe things would be different? I’m the greatest idiot in the history of all idiots. I placed the well-being of a gigantic body of individuals (individuals who would mean nothing to me in the near future) at the top instead of her well-being, when she would constantly place my well-being on the top of her list. I was ignorant, especially during a time when she needed me. When she needed SOMEBODY… and I wasn’t there. I only have myself to blame.
I’d like to believe that things happen for a reason and that God has a greater plan for me and for her. As if all of these things were planned to make us better people… But it just sucks when God plans for you to meet such a great and genuine human being, get accustomed to all their likes and dislikes, make you yearn to be a part of their life and then have it all taken away from you. It’s the cruelest lesson a person could ever experience and endure… Now I could’ve spent the past hour trying to write all the little issues we’ve gone through. She did this, I did that; but in the end it all really doesn’t matter. The importance of this story is that I lost someone extremely important to me all because I got selfish and didn’t want to be the bigger person. If you really care about someone (no matter the issue), be the bigger person. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve imagined seeing this girl waiting for me in my driveway to make up for all that has happened in the past. Again, I’m an idiot.
It’s been 3 years and I have no idea who this girl is anymore. 3 years is a lot of time. She could’ve changed. I don’t know if she still likes the same things. I don’t know if she still dislikes the same things. I don’t know if she still acts the same way. I don’t know if she still thinks the same way. I don’t know if she still cares the same way. All I know for sure is how I feel towards her. Now I’ve never used the word “love” before to describe my feelings towards her, because I don’t know what that word truly means and I’m scared to use it. I’m scared to use it and be left disappointed, hurt and broken. But since I’m being completely honest, I’ve always felt that my feelings were feelings of “love.” I mean how else could I care so deeply about another person, put up with these feelings for so long and say it was just an infatuation? I couldn’t. I’d be lying to myself.
I don’t really have an ending to this story. All I know is that I’ve harbored these feelings for 3 years and it’s eating me up. I have all these photos with this girl, know all of this random information about her, have all these little messages from her and I wish I could burn it all and move on from it, but I can’t… I’ve tried… Honestly… It just means too much to me… I don’t know if we’ll ever get to talk about everything that’s happened, but if you’re reading this; I hope you know that I’m sorry and my suffering will never amount to what I have done to you and how I’ve made you felt. For that, I hope you forgive me. You are the single most important person that has entered into my life and I fucked it up.